What is Holiday Depression and How to Cope with it

 

by Brian Warriner

            For many of us, the Holidays are a season of big family gatherings, presents, carols, and many more events and traditions. For me, the holidays start with Halloween. Where I decorate the house, enjoy the cooler weather, and watch my horror movies. I also stock up on candy. Then there are activities like Fright Night at the local high school, where I take my nephews every year. It’s also their birthday, and then there's the big night, Halloween. I enjoy watching the children going trick-or-treating. I encourage people to take their kids trick-or-treating. After Halloween, all the decorations come down, and Thanksgiving decorations go up. For Thanksgiving, I plan a big meal. We used to host the family every year for Thanksgiving. My mom passed the tradition on to my brother. I decided that we would have a small Thanksgiving dinner. There were times I had my foot in a surgical shoe and was told to stay off it, and one year, I was just two weeks post-toe amputation, and I cooked the meal all by myself. I do not remember eating that year because I was exhausted. I had a cane in one hand, my foot in a surgical shoe. Last year, we renovated the kitchen, and as a result, I now have a sink, a stove with an oven, and a spotlight. I made it work. I cooked a big meal for my brother, my parents, and myself.

            After Thanksgiving comes the granddaddy of holidays, Christmas. By December 1st, I will either have finished or be in the middle of my Christmas shopping. I spend a few days preparing my shopping list for all the cookies that I will bake. I prepare everything I need, from the number of cookies I will be baking to the specific type of cookies I am making. I normally make my famous Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies, as well as Chocolate Chip Raisin, Oatmeal, and Oatmeal Raisin. I make sure to have containers filled with cookies to give to the neighbors. If I am going to my brother’s house, I give his in-laws a cookie tray. While shopping for cookies, I pick up what I need for my handmade pigs in a blanket, meatballs, and other items for the Christmas party at my brother’s house. That is where we go for the holiday parade put on by the town's great fire department. They do an amazing job every year.

            As the days get closer to Christmas, we pick up the stocking stuffers, finish Christmas shopping, and I make sure everyone’s presents are wrapped, tagged, and sorted for Santa Claus. I enjoy my movies and Christmas shows. My favorite is The Nativity Story. It is a Christmas staple while I wrap presents. The Claymation movies, such as Ernest Saves Christmas, and the movies from my childhood that evoke nostalgia for the years when, in our eyes, Christmas was simpler. Even when we put up the tree, the decorations we have are staples that go on the tree. We have some additional ornaments that were gifts. In the past, when we decorated the tree, I would use some of the garland, stockings, and the tree shirt to take a funny photo, because I love to laugh, especially when things aren't going right. Laughter is the best medicine.

            Every year, our tradition is to provide Thanksgiving Dinner for (4) local families through the local Baptist church, which they announce after Halloween. We make sure we are on the list for four bags. And then, when we go shopping, we pick up items and fill the bags with the fixings for dinner. If we get a free turkey, we donate it. Like my parents raised us, if you are fortunate enough to have food on your table and a little to spare, then give it to those who are less fortunate. We do exactly that. Then, once Thanksgiving is over, we focus on gathering toys for all ages and donating them to the local police station. They distribute the toys to the families in need. It fills my heart with joy that on Christmas, we put a smile on a child’s face amid the hardships of their life.

            Over the past several years, I have been revisiting my traditions. I stopped feeling the holiday spirit because it has become stressful, especially when my parents have had health issues during the holidays. Not having the money for cookies or presents is a problem. Even when decorating the tree and the house, I pray that this year I want to feel the spirit. But it avoids me and my family. But I have this strange way of thinking, if we all make it to Christmas, then we make it to another year. I feel blessed for that. I can understand that so many things can happen that might make the holidays difficult. I remember the holidays after a loved one passed away are the worst because you are more aware of their absence. You were laid off from your job, a loved one is sick and possibly in the hospital, you are caretaking for a loved one, money is tight, and the price of everything is sky high. The worst is that you might have a child in the hospital, and the worry of the situation has taken over the feeling of the holiday spirit. The list of reasons keeps growing.

            It is okay to have no spirit for the holidays; in fact, it has made me understand the Grinch and Scrooge more. They did not hate Christmas; it was the fact that life had disappointed them that happened around Christmas. They wondered if people had to go into debt, overeat, and drink to celebrate what exactly? They both lost the reason for the season. It is time for us to open up to our fellow members of the human race. We take care of each other. I believe this to be true, not just at Christmas but all year long. But the holiday season is when we become even more aware of this principle. The Stress of three holidays back-to-back, with December featuring not just Christmas but also Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, and New Year’s Eve. Then you have birthdays, anniversaries, and many other significant life events. That you feel like you cannot catch your breath. I understand it, and if you find yourself dreading the season, and want to get through it. It is okay.

In this post, I will share strategies to help you combat holiday depression. How to differentiate between Seasonal Depression and Holiday Depression.

Causes of and Symptoms of Holiday Depression

            The causes of holiday depression can start in November and continue into December, and lift soon after New Year’s. It starts with the lack of sleep, financial stress, isolation /loneliness, excessive food and alcohol use, and unrealistic expectations. This comes from all the gatherings, the Friendsgiving, Thanksgiving, and work events, where everyone is overeating and drinking (How to Cope with The Holiday Blue, n.d). Alcohol is considered a downer or depressant. It can alter your mood and bring you down. The issues with sleeping can come from indigestion and stress. And the fact that you are struggling financially. The price of everything is going up, while wages remain stuck at the lower end of the scale. You're just managing to pay your bills, rent, and insurance, so you don't have money for anything else. It is the pride of some that keeps them from going on public assistance. It could also be the fact that they make too much to qualify for it.

            But there can be an underlying condition, or events can cause holiday depression. For example, this could be the first holiday season without a loved one, whether it was a grandparent, parent, sibling, or a furbaby. It can be difficult to get into the holiday spirit if you are grieving a loss or if you are separated from your family. Like those who are being separated and deported by the Gestapo, the family dynamics could play a part in the holiday blues (How to Cope with Holiday Stress and Depression, 2023). You might be having arguments with family, or you could be newly out or have been out of the closet. You have a family that is religious and prejudiced. They are constantly berating you and treating you like crap. This can affect your mental health. It is difficult to deal with that kind of discrimination in the home at any time of the year.

            The signs and symptoms of holiday depression can show up as changes in appetite or weight (decrease or increase), changes in sleeping patterns, depressed, irritable moods, difficulty with concentration, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, feeling more tired than usual, feeling tense, worried, anxious, loss of pleasure in doing things that you used to enjoy (How to Cope With the Holiday Blues, n.d). The intrusive thoughts that digs you deeper into a dark hole. It adds to your stress, anxiety, and depression. A person could do self-harm or even attempt or complete suicide. The hell a person can go through during the holidays can be completely overwhelming. It has reached the point where they cannot take it anymore. My heart goes out to everyone who is going through holiday depression.

 

How to Cope with Holiday Depression

            If you are a person who is dealing with holiday depression, there are ways to cope with it. I always recommend that you discuss with your mental health professional. When the holidays are coming up, you can set boundaries. Limit the number of gatherings you will attend throughout the season. Seek support and help from mental health professionals if you are not working with one. If you are grieving, you can remember a loved one or participate in charity work, such as feeding the homeless, joining the food pantry, or starting a collection for the local animal shelter (Hot to Cope with Holiday Stress and Depression, 2023). Every year, my family and I pick up toys and donate them to the police department. We donate to the animal shelter because they provide stockings for the animals that get adopted during the holidays.

            There are plenty of things you can do to ease your stress during the holidays. One can limit their food and alcohol intake. And if you choose not to drink, remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation of why you are not drinking. Learn to say no to requests for your time and participation in events and gatherings, especially if you have already committed yourself to a couple of commitments. Treat yourself with kindness and find time for yourself and what you need. The most important thing is not to isolate yourself. Get out and be sociable, but you do not have to overdo it. The isolation and loneliness are what make the holidays the most difficult. Because you are not around your family, your chosen family, or your friends and community (How to Cope with the Holiday Blues, n.d). If you are alone, go to the local senior center, elderly care, or retirement home and speak to an elderly person. As we get older, unfortunately, our families put us into facilities and sometimes forget we are there and that we exist. So, go to the places for the elderly, talk to them, and have a meal with them. I miss my elderly neighbor Ruth, who has since passed away. I would go over a say hi to her, and we would talk. They love the company if not more than you would (Kohuska-Haskin, 2023).

            There are plenty of healthy ways to deal with your holiday depression, and maybe when you employ some of the coping mechanisms that were listed, then you might just feel the spirit of the season. Once you get the spirit of the season, maybe you will enjoy it and feel like a kid again. I want to wish you Happy Holidays!

References

How to Cope with The Holiday Blues. (n.d). Very Well Mind.

https://www.verywellmind.com/holiday-blues-4771716

How to Cope with Holiday Stress and Depression. (2023, December 13).

Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/holiday-depression-and-stress

Kohuska-Haskins, B. (2023, December 29). What are Holiday Blues and How to Deal

            With them? Psychology Today. Psychology Today.

            https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-mybrian-works/202312/what-are-holiday-blues-and-how-to-deal-with-them?msockid=3c615a7a3ec3684126f04bdc3fda69d9

Grieving a Pet: It's Harder Than Greiving a Human Loved One

 by Brian Warriner

            The loss of a pet is one of the most devastating experiences in the world, whether they have crossed the Rainbow Bridge or had to be rehomed. There is no worse feeling ever. In fact, I think losing a pet or a furbaby is worse than losing a human loved one. I have experienced that, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Unfortunately, we had to rehome some of our pets. When I was a child, my first dog, Lucky, was a small black dog. I am not sure of her breed. She was the best dog, and when he moved, we had to rehome her. She has since crossed the Rainbow Bridge. When I was a teenager, we had a kitten that was given to us by my Aunt Stella. It was a grey, fluffy kitten we called Kit-Kat. We had her for a couple of years, and one day, my mom let her out, and she became pregnant. She gave birth to three kittens; one died, another was given to my uncle’s mom (no blood relation to me), and we kept the third, whom we called Fuzz Ball because she would curl up and look like a grey fuzz ball. We eventually took them to the animal shelter. They were adopted and lived long lives, having crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

            It was about 2006 when we adopted our dog KC. She was found as a stray, and we received a call about a small dog. When my mom met her, she fell in love. We adopted her, and she was with us for almost 20 years. In February 2023, she was slowly dying, and we had to put her down. It was the most difficult feeling; I had to make the call to my brothers. So, they can be there to let her cross over. We gathered, we cried, and we held her to say our goodbyes. They prepared her for the injections. My mom held her as she crossed Rainbow Bridge; she went with love. To hear the vet say, her heart stopped, she is gone. Just broke us all. We cried the heaviest tears. It was hard to leave her body at the vet’s office. But as I saw her soul come home with us. She was thankful to be free and happy. I looked over at the seat next to me in the car, and I saw her sitting there. I cried, and I said How about when we get her back, we set up a memorial. I would make a steak dinner for her because she loved steak. We got the call that the vet has her ashes. We picked them up, and they had a footprint, and her ashes in a box. I picked them up, and I cried like a baby. I had everything ready to create the memorial. I allowed my mom to create the memorial because she needed it more than I did. Every year, we decorate her memorial for the holidays. We have her shirts, jacket, and sweaters that I put on her memorial. In addition to a couple of her blankets and her favorite bed, which I bought her for Christmas. I continued the tradition of buying ornaments.

            After KC passed away, I said to her, 'If you crossed the Rainbow Bridge, send me a sign.' It was a few weeks later; the storm had passed, and the sun was coming out. I saw a rainbow in the sky. It was the brightest rainbow I had ever seen. When I called my mom to look, we both said it was a sign from KC. She had made it over the bridge. I started to cry like a baby. I was able to take a picture of it.

            When we had KC, we did not think to bring another pet into our house. Because she was the queen of the house, she had unlimited attention, snuggles, cuddles, and naps with mommy that she would not have liked to share. When my brother or sister brought their dogs over, she made it clear that it was her house. She ruled the house, and even at the end of her life, she was the queen of the house. The night before she passed, I sat with her, and as I cried, I told her that I knew her time with us was coming to an end. But we always missed her and loved her. I held her and I cried. It was not going to be easy to deal with her passing.

            However, this illustrates how the spirit works, as we were mourning KC, the shelter received a dog. His family surrendered him for no fault of his own. It was going to be six weeks until he would be up for adoption. My mom said if we get another dog, it would be named Chewy after Chewbacca or Yoda. We were mourning our sweet baby girl. I made it clear I did not want another pet because I could not go through this type of pain. But the house felt empty and hollow. The week my brother and dad were in the hospital, it was my brother Eric’s birthday. He was feeling down and was sad on his birthday. My mom had seen the photo of a dog named Yoda. She just fell in love with him. I had seen his picture. On my brother’s birthday, she said Let’s go to the shelter and look around. I was hesitant to do so, but I went with them. Mom led the way, and she was looking for Yoda when she saw him in the kennel. She pointed and said him. They brought him up for an interaction. I didn't want another pet, but he was a happy boy, and he wanted to get out and about. I knew it was for Eric’s birthday, and I said I had no opinion; I would deal with my feelings. It was during the interaction that I saw KC, down by my feet, and she said it was okay to share my love with another dog. She was giving her approval. I knew that he was meant for us.

He just wanted attention from everyone. We adopted him and had to wait for him to get his rabies shot. Then we could pick him up. Yoda is half Beagle and Australian Cattle Dog. He was so happy to come home. The night before, I spent time preparing for him, including his food and water dishes, as well as a spot to look out from the sliding glass door. I cried when he came home with us. He was a lonely pet in the house, until months later, we got a cat from the same shelter. Her name was Pepper, but we changed it to Leia after Princess Leia. She is my mom’s cat. Even though Yoda belongs to my brother and Leia belongs to my mom. They are everyone’s pets. When I have them together on my lap, I say, “I got my babies.” My grief was turned into love, and I shared that love with two awesome pets. I know they are not here for a long time. I take every advantage of snuggling, cuddling, and attention, and give them what I call Brother Time. I stop what I am doing, and I pet them and talk to them. My grief turned into love. I still miss KC, and nothing will change that.

This is just my story of loss; there is no wrong way to grieve the loss of a pet or loved one. We have to adjust to a life without them physically here. In doing so, we try to keep their memory alive. I donate to the shelter when I can, and I share their postings to empty the shelter and get all their animals adopted. I encourage people to adopt from shelters and foster animals instead of buying from a breeder. That is how I channeled my grief about our beloved KC. If you can fill your home with love by opening it to a pet, then you feel the blessings of loving an animal. 

Suicide Prevention: What You Need To Know

by Brian Warriner

            In my younger years, in my pre-adolescent years, I had contemplated completing suicide. However, I never followed through with it. I spoke about this in my blog post titled My Journey with Mental Illness: My Beginning. (link here). Nevertheless, I spoke to my school counselor, and my journey with mental illness started. I am thankful that I never completed suicide. Because of the life I would have missed out on, the things I achieved. Has it been a barrel of fun? No!

            Now you will see me using the term completed suicide rather than committed suicide. I want to change the dialogue around suicide. When a person has decided to end their life, they have completed the act of suicide. When you use the term committed it makes it sound like they committed a crime. The person did not commit anything. I believe the more we talk about it in these new terms, the more we change the narrative around suicide.

            The only experience I had with suicide, besides the thoughts I had, was when I was in middle school. A high school girl completed suicide. Why, I do not know. Only those close to her may or may not know. This was almost thirty years ago. For the protection of those involved, and to avoid bringing up memories. I will not mention her name. I remember there was talk, but that is life in a small town. I remember the silence, notice this when someone passes away; it feels like someone sucked all the sound out of the room. I had friends go to the funeral; in fact, most of the school went to pay their respects. I did not know her, and until someone pointed her out in the yearbook, I would never have known what she looked like.

            Beyond that experience, you hear how some celebrities have passed away due to completing suicide. This is mostly due to mental health issues like those of Naomi Judd, Robin Williams, and Freddie Prinze. There was a connection to mental illness that had brought them to take their lives. Naomi Judd spoke openly in time before her suicide about her mental health struggles. To see someone struggle with mental illness, and they see suicide as their only option. However, it is not the only option. This is where I will say that if you are experiencing mental illness and having suicidal thoughts or tendencies, please seek medical help right away.

What is Suicide?

            Suicide is the intentional and sometimes unintentional act of ending one’s own life by self-harm. Death that is caused by self-harm (Cleveland Clinic, 2021). When someone completes suicide by various means, the pain that is left behind is intense. The truth is some people may be in denial that their loved one completed suicide. It is because they did not show signs, or they ignored the signs, that someone was thinking about taking their own life. However, we will get into that more later.

            We all have had someone in our lives who has complete suicide. I think we all know where we were when we heard about Jason David Frank, Kurt Cobain, Robin Williams, and, if you are a K-pop follower, many K-pop singers have completed suicide. The common factor was that they had mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. In the case of Robin Williams, who had Lewy body Dementia. Carol Landis, an actress, and singer from the 1930s and 40s, who completed suicide after her married lover broke up with her and refused to marry her. She took pills in her bathroom and left a note. Jimmy Shields was the lifelong partner of actor turned interior designer William “Billy” Haines, after Billy’s death from cancer in 1973. Jimmy could not bear to live without his beloved. He taped a letter on his bedroom door, locked himself in, and completed suicide.

            Now, I am not promoting suicide. I believe that suicide is a quick answer to a long-term problem. I think we all have the strength to keep fighting and treating our mental health issues. However, I say this that some people, after they have done everything that they could do to treat their mental health. Nothing worked, and they feel they have no alternative but to complete suicide. This is truly a sad reality for many people.

Signs Someone is Suicidal

            When someone is contemplating suicide, they show signs, or they may have a history of suicide attempts. Alternatively, they have a history of self-harm. However, each group has similar signs and different ones. Whether childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, or senior years. I know you are thinking to yourself, what children contemplate suicide? The answer is yes; it is not exclusive to one population.

            In younger children, they have changes in school performance, poor grades, changes in sleeping, excessive worry or anxiety, hyperactivity, persistent nightmares, persistent disobedience, and display frequent temper tantrums (Recognizing Warning Signs and How to Cope, 2024). These are the signs to look out for and keep an eye on. If you believe your child exhibits these signs, I encourage you to seek help from the school counselor or a psychologist.

            In older children and those who are preadolescent, they might engage in substance abuse, changes in sleeping and eating habits, excessive complaints of physical ailments, changes in ability to manage responsibilities at home and school, defiance of authority, truancy, theft and vandalism, and intense fear (Recognizing Warning Signs and How to Cope, 2024). It is possible that they might not be contemplating suicide, but they are showing signs of mental health issues. Please consult with a mental health professional for further evaluation.

            In adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood, they may exhibit the following signs like confused thinking, prolonged sadness, and irritability, feeling extreme high and lows, excessive fears, worries, and anxieties, social withdrawal, dramatic changes in eating or sleeping, strong feelings of anger, strange thoughts/ delusions, hallucinations, growing inability to cope with daily activities, thoughts of self-harm, substance abuse/ use, unexplainable physical ailments (Recognizing Warning Signs and How to (Cope, 2024).

            I cannot stress this enough to all my readers: if you or someone you know is experiencing these signs, seek help for yourself and for them. Suicide is a preventable and serious public health problem.

Strategies to Prevent Suicide

            As a society and as a community, we have the responsibility to prevent suicide. To know how and to have the government's assistance in what to do in preventing suicide. The Centers for Disease Control/ CDC have put out on their website a set of strategies for the prevention of suicide, which, honestly, not many people know about. As I reviewed the list, I noticed things that the government should be doing, for example, strengthening economic support like improved household financial security, stabilizing housing, and improving access to suicide care. There are things as a community that we can do in tandem with government assistance. For example, teach coping and problem skills, promote health connections, create protective environments, identify and support people at risk, and lessen harm to prevent future risks (CDC, 2022).

            If a loved one or a stranger says they are considering suicide. Please do not brush it off as an offhand comment. Take the person seriously, stay with them, and help remove lethal means. That means remove anything that could be used as an instrument of self-harm. I do not care if it is a shoestring or a belt. It needs to be removed. Call 988, the suicide and crisis hotline, or text 741741 to the crisis text line, escort them to the emergency room, or to a mental health professional. This is the best thing you can do for them. Nonetheless, please do not leave them until they are in the right space, such as an emergency room (What to do When Someone is a Risk, n.d).

            If a loved one confesses to you that they have attempted to or self-harmed, or is even thinking about suicide. You can have honest conversations with them. I will stress here that you do not try to debate or offer advice. Please do not try to minimize their problems. Just listen to them. Talk to them in private, listen to their story, tell them you care, and reassure them that you care. Please encourage them to seek treatment or contact their doctor/ therapist. If they feel like they will attempt suicide, take them to the emergency room. They are given priority because a possible suicide attempt or mental health crisis goes ahead of the line.  The hospital has protocols to deal with mental health crises. Once they are admitted for a seventy-two-hour psychiatric hold or to a safe environment, you can then leave (What to do When Someone is a Risk, n.d).

            Being in this kind of situation is scary and can be hard to deal with. If you find yourself in this situation, listen to them, if you cannot get them to a safe space. Because they refuse to, they need to, especially if the counselor on the crisis line or their therapist said it is needed. Call the police and tell them you have found someone here on a possible suicide attempt, and they need to be taken to the hospital. They will arrive and secure the scene for the person to be evaluated by a paramedic. If they do not want to go, it is the best thing for them. They might say things and make threats, but do not take them seriously. They are lashing out at you. As long as they are in safe hands and the police and paramedics can handle the situation, it is okay to remove yourself from the situation.

Statistics of Suicide

            When it comes to suicide by numbers, the sad truth is that males are at a higher risk of completing suicide than females. The following numbers are based on the number of people who have died by suicide per 100,000 population. In 2023, the number of suicide deaths was four times higher in males (22.8 per 100,000) than in females (5.9 per 100,000) (NIMH-Suicide, 2024).

            According to the numbers from the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2000, suicide deaths increased 35% starting at 10.4 per 100,000 to 14.2 per 100,000 in 2018. Then declined to 13.9 per 100,000 in 2019, with a slight decline in 2020 to 13.5 per 100,000. With the pandemic, the number of deaths by suicide increased 14.0 per 100,000 in 2021. The numbers increased slightly in 2022 to 14.2 per 100,000, then decreased slightly to 14.1 per 100,000 in 2023 (NIMH-Suicide, 2024).

Changing the Dialogue on Suicide

            Now, throughout this post, I have said things like completed suicide instead of committed. I have talked for years about the need to change the dialogue surrounding how we talk about suicide. This is not to glamorize it, but to get people to change their thinking. Suicide is never the answer. Those who are experiencing mental health issues or a crisis need to know that there is help available and that we need to seek it out. Unfortunately, it will not come to us. We should not stop seeking help. Because our lives matter, and the hell we are going through will pass. We need to get tools to cope with our mental health issues. That is the reason for this blog’s existence: to offer as many alternatives and recommendations as possible for you to try. As well as advocate for you to work in tandem with your mental health provider/ therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist.

            When someone completes suicide, it is almost a guarantee that they have a history of suicide attempts that you may or may not be aware of, when someone makes comments about suicide, that should be the first clue to worry. Please do not laugh them off or say things like, “Stop saying that”, “You are crazy”. They are making a last-ditch effort not to follow through with the attempt.

            Sometimes, your loved one may not even discuss, say anything, or show warning signs that they are about to complete suicide. They may have a smile, make plans, have set long-term goals, and seem to be okay. Literally could be here this week and be gone by next week. The sad truth is that some people are quiet when it comes to their own pain. Because they do not want to be a burden, feel weak, or anything else. The truth is the burden they do not want to be is what they become when they complete the act of suicide. I say this because they leave behind pain, grief, and so much more. The truth is, when someone has made up their mind about suicide, they will keep it a secret until they do it.

            I am reminded of the episode of The Golden Girls, titled “Not Another Day”, when Sophia’s friend Martha plans to complete suicide. She takes Sophia out to dinner to ask her. Sophia shows up to talk her out of it. Just as Martha checks her list, Sophia starts talking to her and gets her to change her mind (Hughes, 1989). My advice is to talk to people if you feel like completing suicide or trying. No, it is not attention-seeking behavior. This is too serious to chalk up to someone seeking attention or you not taking them seriously. Because you could end up saving someone’s life, whether it is yours or a loved one's, it matters.

 

 

References

Cleveland Clinic. (2021). Suicide: What it is, Signs, Risk Factors, and Prevention. Cleveland Clinic.

            https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/suicide

Recognizing Warning Signs and How to Cope| Mental Health America. (2024). Mental Health America

            https://mhanational.org/resources/recognizing-warning-signs-and-how-to-cope/

CDC. (2022) Prevention Strategies. www.cdc.gov. https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/prevention.index.html

What to do When Someone is a Risk. (n.d). American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

            https://afsp.org/what-to-do-when-someone-is-a-risk|

NIMH-Suicide. (2024, February). National Institute of Mental Health. www.nimh.gov.

            https://www.nimh.gov/health/statisitcs/suicide#part_2557

Hughes, T. (1989, November 11). The Golden Girls. Season 5, Episode 7. [Review of The Golden Girls].

            NBC.

Click on the link to download the PDF of the CDC's Suicide Prevention Resource Action

Suicide Prevention Resource Action- CDC
 

Channeling Your Grief: Ways of Coping With Loss

 by Brian Warriner

            Grief is part of the path of life. It’s not just the end of a life but a divorce, the end of a relationship, loss of a job, etc. These events happen to everyone, and they happen when you least expect them, even though there are signs of losing a job or divorce, but not always. Whatever form the grief you are experiencing takes, we need to channel your grief. It’s difficult when dealing with grief. Because when you are dealing with grief, there is always something that makes the situation worse. Family drama makes grief take a back seat, and the hell of dealing with drama makes it difficult.

            You are hit with a bout of grief, your loved one has passed, and the initial stage of shock happens. Now we are past the services, and in grief for about six months. Because of this, you are having a difficult time processing and are emotionally exhausted. You feel depressed and have low energy. Life has become stagnant because you can’t get over this loss. You are stuck in the grieving process. Which is different for everyone, but somewhere along the way, it becomes difficult.

            The grieving process is different for everyone; no two people experience grief the same way, nor do they express grief the same way.  There are ways to channel your grief and help get you unstuck(Tips For Health Grieving Your Journey is Valid, 2013). For example, journaling about the pain, talking to a grief counselor, seeking professional help, and donating time and energy to a cause that will keep the memory of your loved one alive (Godfrey 2024). Now, the next ideas may be considered weird or out there. But if you have conversations with your loved one, keep talking to them. When you keep the dialogue with them, it helps draw their memory back. But also, it makes it feel like they are alive. They will be able to send you signs and messages from beyond the grave. Another thing to try is to put photos, items, and mementos in a box. When you start to think about your loved one or miss them, this may also invoke an emotional release, which is good to help ease your grief.

            I am a psychic medium and have read professionally to thousands of people in my career. I gave up doing readings when my health took a downward spiral. I have communicated with those who have crossed over and their loved ones who are left here to mourn them. I saw through my client's eyes and through my own experiences what grief can do to a person.

As I enter my newest career as a Clinical Mental Health Counselor with a specialty in Grief, Trauma, and Addictions. It’s because I want to help people become better versions of themselves. That means to help them understand their grief and how the loss of a loved one can impact their lives and mental health. I talked about my grief journey in a previous post.

            The truth about grief is that it can be selfish from time to time. We want our loved ones back but wanting them back means having them suffer again. When we survive the time, we will experience without them. Grief is adjusting to a life without our beloved loved ones with us. But in truth, their journey in life is done; they learned the lessons they needed to learn and the lessons they taught. Then we have the memories and all the other special times with them. It’s difficult not to have that person with us, it is earth-shattering and heartbreaking. But we have to keep going and living our lives until we are reunited with them on the other side. I do know that they are living their lives and enjoying things like they did here. Except they don’t have the confines of time and the human body that keep us bound. But remember, along the journey, as we grieve, we have to let it go or give it to God.

            I hope you found this informative and interesting. If you are stuck in grief, please seek help, speak to someone, and allow yourself to release your soul.
 
References
Tips For Healthy Grieving: Your Journey is Valid. (2013, November 7). Psych Central
            https://psychcentral.com/blog/healthy-ways-to-navigate-grief
Godfrey, A. (2024, September 24). When You Are Grieving. Hospice Foundation of America
            https://hospicefoundation.org/when-you-are-grieving/

Survivor's Guilt: The Pain of Losing Someone

 by: Brian Warriner

            Have you ever been through a situation and survived? Like a car accident where you were driving and your loved one who was in the passenger seat died. Alternatively, you are in a plane crash and your spouse dies, but you survive. You are left with questions about why you survived the accident or situation. Especially if in a disaster, at first you go into denial and blame everyone for the reason why your loved one died. Survivor’s guilt is a process, but it is not linear. I remember a television show where a man protected his children in a fire and lost his life. His wife blamed the firefighters who responded to the call for her husband’s death. She sued them when it came out that they were not at fault. I also remember how people can get angry and upset that they survived, and their loved one(s) did not.

            Granted that kind of pain is a given, I do not think I could comprehend that kind of pain. Where, every day after that, you are consumed by the events that led to the death of your loved one(s). It can replay in your mind, and you have persistent depression and anxiety. It would cause a person to question why or how you can go on without your loved one. Moreover, it is this constant thinking process that might drive a person to suicide, addiction, or dangerous behavior. I am aware that many cultures have their own perspectives on therapy, counseling, psychology, and psychiatry as a whole. However, seeking help allows you to adjust more effectively and lead a more fulfilling life.

            Survivor’s guilt can cause one to question their relationship with their higher power. Moreover, will ask questions, like “Why me?” “Why did I survive, and so in so did not?” “Why did you forsake me?”

            The truth is, it is not what you think. Moreover, to hear someone say, “Things happen for a reason,” or “It was just their time,” or “It was not your time either.” Hearing these statements makes you want to punch someone in the face because they are something you do not want to hear, even if they are true. It can be triggering for someone in the midst of the aftermath of a death. It is a situation where a person can become stuck in their head and thoughts. This can make things worse for you.

            A person suffering from survivor’s guilt may feel numbness and disconnected from reality, shame, and sadness, and regret over perceived inaction or inability, anxiety, and depression. They may also experience social withdrawal, deal with insomnia, and have low self-esteem. This does make their world feel like a never-ending hell, especially if the person is a veteran who has been in the combat zone and saw their friends die right in front of them—or seeing them in an explosion. Veterans can experience PTSD and survivor’s guilt.

            While I was reading on a website, verywellmind.com, where survivors’ guilt could be a symptom of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), it is also possible that survivor’s guilt can be presented as a mood and stress disorder (Cherry, 2021).

            According to choosingtherapy.com, there are many scenarios where a person may also encounter episodes or bouts of survivor’s guilt, such as through natural disasters, genocides, such as what is happening in Gaza, and school shootings. Mass shootings. Wars can cause people to suffer from survivor’s guilt (Waichler, 2023). Every one of these situations has played out before our eyes. Furthermore, it can lead those involved, more importantly, those who survived these acts, to develop any more of the mental disorders or a combination of them.

            I will always recommend that if you have feelings of survivor’s guilt, grief/ bereavement, and suicidal thoughts, I recommend that you reach out to a mental health facility or the local emergency room. You need to seek help if you are having a mental health medical emergency.

 

Resources

Cherry, K (2021, February 20). Tips for Managing Survivor’s Guilt. Very Well Mind

            Https://www.verywelmind.com/survivors-guilt-4688743

Waichler, I. (2023, November 7). Survivor’s Guilt: Why It Happens and 7 Ways to Cope.

Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/survivors-guilt/

 

The Mental Health Umbrella: What does it consist of?

 by Brian Warriner

            An umbrella term is used to encompass the various parts of an industry. The mental health umbrella covers both psychological and psychiatric disorders. This also includes care, wellness, treatment, and research of the disorders. These disorders include emotional, mental, behavioral, educational, Sexual dysfunction, Stress, Eating disorder, Neurodivergent, Personality, Gender Dysphoria, Somatic, Dissociative, Depression, Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive, Bipolar.

            These disorders significantly impact the daily lives of individuals, causing them to struggle with their identity, and can lead to difficulties in navigating life. For example, when I was in the third grade, I was diagnosed with specific learning disability in reading and math. I struggled with math and reading, and as a result, my reading comprehension was challenging, and math was also difficult for me. To this day, it's more than just simple addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Later in life, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. In between, I was showing signs of grief-induced depression.

            The care of mental health disorders includes medication, therapies, and research into how we can improve these disorders. But new theories and many other ways of treatment are all under the mental health umbrella, which is under the medical/ healthcare umbrella. Some medical doctors are psychiatrists who operate and treat people in hospital settings. According to NAMI, the National Alliance of Mental Illness, they break down the careers within the mental healthcare umbrella.

            It’s the reason why I followed my path, and it led me to mental health, besides my journey with mental illness. With my family’s history with addiction, trauma, and my issues with grief. Everything conspired in my life to lead me to pursue a master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. With a specialty in grief, addiction, and trauma. When I am done with my education and I am licensed, I will be titled Brian Warriner, LCMHC. Which stands for Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor. There will be other titles that will be added in time. 

Grief: What is it and How do We Cope?

 by Brian Warriner

 

            Grief is a loaded word because it evokes a lot of emotion. Because we understand it’s a word that evokes a lot of emotion and action. It manifests itself in various ways, depending on the emotional connection associated with the situation. Grief affects individuals differently, depending on the nature of their relationship with the deceased. Let’s say you had a family member who abused you. When they die, you won’t cry. You would be happy that they are dead. Now, let’s say you are a parent whose child passes away, and it would break you. And the sadness and depression stick with you. Many emotions come through in these situations. Grief is a universal experience that everyone encounters.

We all experience this universal expression in many ways. When my grandmom passed away, it was unexpected; my grandpop, we knew he would pass away. Same with my Aunt Stella, we had gathered around the week she was dying. My Aunt B passed away unexpectedly. When my mom told me that the paramedics took her out. I knew something had happened. Then, being a psychic medium, I saw my paternal grandparents grabbing Aunt B’s hand and bringing her home. That’s been something that has happened recently. I got to see both my aunts’ transitions, which helped me accept that they had made it to the other side. But I am human and still have to go through the emotions of mourning a loved one. It wasn't easy to go through because things wouldn’t be the same. With Aunt B, we would go on vacation to Myrtle Beach. My Aunt Stella would call during the week of a holiday and ask when dinner would be, or she would go grocery shopping in our freezer. At the beginning of the summer, she called and asked if we had the pool open. She and my mom would go in the pool.  It’s memories like this that make certain times of the year difficult.

            Although the grieving process is broken into steps, the grieving process itself isn’t linear. We can experience the stages of grief in many forms and stages. The manifestation of the stage depends on the person experiencing grief. You bounce from stage to stage. One minute you might be in denial and shock, next you are depressed. Then one day, you might experience anger, followed by bargaining with God. Some may experience grief when they are caring for a sick parent or loved one. They had come so close to dying and had been by the deathbed to say their goodbyes. The loved ones recover. At which you have said everything you needed to, you’ve cried every tear, and you are at the point where it’s like, stop holding on, go. Or you have a loved one completed suicide, I want to point out the change in terminology from committed to completed. When you use the term 'committed,' it sounds like they committed a crime, when in fact they didn’t. But they completed the act of suicide. I will, from now on, use the term 'completed'. I plan on going in-depth in future blog posts. In this case, you may be in denial that your loved one performed this act, then you go into anger, and back to denial about their mental health status. However, you might accept it and then revert to anger. Everyone approaches the process differently. Everyone mourns differently. For example, on the television show MOM, season 6 episode 115 (Widdoes, 2018). When Marjorie’s husband dies, she is relieved that he has passed away. But Christy kept pushing her to show emotion and cry. But Christy didn’t understand that grief doesn’t happen when you say it should. Wendy explains that when a loved one is sick for a long time, the survivor has already mourned them. When they do pass away, they are more relieved than sad. One of the models used in grief counseling is the Kübler-Ross Model. Created by Swiss Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926-2004) (biography.com editor,2018). She created the five stages of grief (see picture below)

     There are other models of the grieving process that have more than five steps. When researching the grief process, you may encounter the five stages of grief. (see picture below). It doesn’t matter which model you use; it is possible to feel multiple steps of the process simultaneously, which can make the journey much more intense. This can make it difficult to determine your current stage in the process. They say time heals all wounds. I don’t believe this. In my work as a psychic medium, I have had clients who said it feels like yesterday their loved one left. And it’s been decades. The only thing with grief is that it can be coped with and dealt with. But what we go through is an adjustment to not having that loved one in our everyday lives. We can’t call them up, go to lunch, and hang out with them. That’s the only thing we have that physically looks like healing. I do recommend that if you are dealing with grief and grieving a loved one, then seek help from a grief counselor.

            It’s this very topic and my experience that have encouraged me to study and become a clinical mental health counselor with a specialty in grief counseling. That's why you'll find more information about grief on my blog.

Resources

Widdoes, J (2018, Oct 25). Mom, Season 6, Episode 115, CBS

 

Biography.com Editors, (2021, April 7), Elisabeth Kubler-Ross-Quotes, 5 Steps of Grief and Facts, https://www.biography.com/scientists/elisabeth-kubler-ross

My Mental Health Journey as an Adult

by Brian Warriner

            In previous posts, I talked about my mental health journey in my childhood and adolescent years. Now I am going to discuss my adult years. Once I had a job, granted, the job I had was only 3 hours a day, Monday to Friday, until I became the assistant director of an after-school program. Then the hours were six hours a day. I made a little more money. But it didn’t stop the depression and anxiety. I found ways to hide it better. Now, at the end of that school year, I wasn’t rehired for the next year. But I ended up getting hired for a one-on-one position with the district. I was going back to the school where I had graduated a couple of years before. My charge at the time was a kid who had Cerebral Palsy, and everyone told me about his tricks. He would cry to get out of doing assignments, or wanted to sit in the nurse's office, thinking he wouldn’t have to be responsible for his work. But I was too much of a hard ass to let him get one over on me. When he pulled these tricks, I said, “Sit there and let me know when you are ready, but we aren’t going anywhere.” He stopped. I was one who committed myself to my work. The students in the class were also my responsibility. When my charge was absent because of being in the hospital. I was torn about whether I would be crossing a professional boundary. I didn’t visit him or send him a card. I’d ask his siblings to check on him when his mom picked up his work, and I'd talk to her. But when he came back, I was waiting for him. I said to him, “Don’t you ever leave me.” he just rolled his eyes like a teenager would. The following year, he went to a different school for high school. But I saw him the following year when my brother was graduating from the eighth grade. He recognized me, and it was great to see him.

            Now, most of you are probably wondering why I am talking about this. It’s because work became my escape from my mental health. It was something I pushed to the back of my head. I was in a long-distance relationship with someone I met on the Yahoo chat rooms. Yes, I am old enough to remember the chat rooms. We would talk on the phone, and we sent letters with our photos. I thought, how awesome is this? My first boyfriend and I were making plans to meet up for the first time. But nothing manifested, because he told me if I wanted to continue our relationship, I had to send him money every month. I ended it right there. I blocked him and got off the chat room. This hurt me a lot, and I was upset by this. I cried and cried thinking about the pain.

            Then, while in the chat rooms, I found someone else, and we talked and got to know each other. Exchanged numbers and would text each other. He was eighteen, and I had turned twenty-one. I found myself falling for him. But he lived in Dallas, Texas, and I was in New Jersey. He was emotionally distant, but then one night I called him. His best friend answered and told me that he was “busy taking it up the ass from a black guy.” I was shocked, and she hung up. When I called a couple of hours later, he answered when I asked, his response was, “Why are you asking me?” “It is what it is.” He ended things that upset me. What I didn’t know at the time was that for the next 18 years, we would be in and out of each other's lives. Now I am only telling things from my perspective. After all our interactions, I was hurt by him, and I may have hurt him. But the issue was that we could have been something great if we were in different places in our lives. There are things I found out, and yet I was crazy for him. The final interaction was a couple of years ago, when I told him that I couldn’t love him the way he needed, and I couldn’t be the supportive person he needed. I had to move on without him. Because I recognized this relationship was a toxic codependent relationship. Neither of us deserves that.

            In between that relationship, I fell for other guys, one of whom only wanted me when he was single. It was during his first relationship that he ignored my calls and disappeared. When they broke up, I was to blame, and that continued, and eventually, I ended things. Another guy I met on Facebook in 2009 caught my attention. We chatted and exchanged numbers, and I thought to myself, "He was the one." But our relationship ended when he started seeing someone else and ignored me. I have been someone who, if you don’t want me to be a part of your life, then fucking tell me. I kept asking him to talk to me so we could resolve our issues. I did some things that were also questionable. But that was what ended our relationship. Because I was scared of losing him, I got jealous, and it was a dark time. Then we cut communications. I saw he was in a relationship, it hurt me, from him it was like being stabbed, shot, and cut all in one. I was so depressed that I walked around even at work, and everyone saw it on my face. They would ask me, “Are you okay?” I would say, "Yeah, I'm okay," or something like that. I had to get over it. When he was single, I thought he might be interested in me, but then he was with someone else. I became a jealous and spiteful person. It was after he moved to Colorado that he emailed me, and things looked like we could be something. But things went south, and he blocked me. I know he got married to a guy, dealt with health issues, and he passed away in November of 2020. It was so hard to deal with his passing. I cried, and he appeared in my dreams.

            Throughout my adult life, I dealt with relationships ending, friendships ending, and death, and I achieved many things. There were a lot of endings and beginnings that happened in my twenties and into my thirties. I started a career in public education, which ultimately came to an end. Entered school for massage therapy, published my first book, and I eventually published 11 more, with more coming out. I tried and failed many times to start a business and developed my career as a professional psychic medium. Eventually, I walked away from my career because it wasn’t fulfilling, and life happened. My health, on top of everything, was declining. Which eventually led me to multiple hospital stays, four surgeries, three of which were toe amputations. To this day, my health is declining, and it's just going down.

            My mental health has been taking me through the ringer. My mom had two cancer diagnoses, both times I was her caregiver, which led me to get some help. I thought I was bipolar because of how my mood was. My first therapist sat down and explained to me that I wasn’t bipolar. But my diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. Hearing those words was something that set my nerves at ease. I cried, and I felt like breathing for the first time.  In 2023, my dad almost died, and the family prepared for his death. I started school for my associate's degree in psychology. My family told me to focus on school and not to drop out like I was planning on doing. This changed everything, thank God he recovered from his medical issues.

            Now I know what you might be thinking, none of which I have been through, constitutes me having mental health. But it does. From the grief I experienced in my youth with my grandparents, to being bullied, and having my heart broken, my mind fucked with, and dealing with health issues, and dealing with family drama. All of this, along with the genetics for mental health issues. It’s no surprise that I have depression and anxiety. I am on medication for other health issues that also treat depression and anxiety. It has eased the disorders but does not cure or fix them. It makes me stable to be able to deal with my mental health. I am also in therapy, and I have access to my therapist when needed. The best decision I made was to go into therapy and seek help. Plus, I have journaled through my life, from when I started my spiritual journey. It has been my saving grace. It’s where I can speak frankly and use whatever language and express whatever I want. No one can tell me, “You aren’t allowed to feel that way.” “It’s not a situation that has affected you directly.” “You need to mind your business.” The old me would have thrown hands at these words. Now I journal about it and leave it all on the page. I have a hope chest filled with my journals. As well as my poetry journals. For almost three decades, I have taken to my pen to write and express. When I pass away, I ask that my journals be donated to the John A. Wilcox Jr Archive at the William Way Center.

            Reading about my life, one may say I wasn’t strong enough to handle the events of the past. But I say it’s one thing to read them, but to live them made me a stronger person, for whom the terms “No Fucks Given” and “Resting Bitch Face” have been coined. This is my story.