My Grief Journey: Experiencing the Pain of Loss

by Brian Warriner

Grief is something that we all have felt and dealt with. But it doesn't come when a loved one dies. It does happen when a relationship ends, or you lose your house and property. For me, I lost my maternal grandmother, who passed away two days before my 11th birthday. It was unexpected. When we got the call early in the morning, it was the day after Thanksgiving, and my grandmom was in the hospital. I was emerging from a deep sleep. I heard someone crying, and I stood up. I saw my mom crying and my Aunt B comforting her. She said, "Grandmom passed away." I didn't understand those words and how they changed our world. With my dad and my aunts, my mom told us what happened and that grandmom went to heaven. I remember that day, just crying my eyes out. 

The following Sunday, we went to church. The church we went to was the National Shrine of St. John Neumann in Philadelphia, PA. This is where the tomb of St. John Neumann is located, at the altar. After mass, we went to the museum, and there I bought a relic of St. John Neumann, which was a gift for my grandpop. Then we stopped and lit a candle for my grandmom, and the tears started again. On November 29, 1995, my grandmom's funeral. We awoke to a snowy day. My mom told us that when we see my grandmom, it would be like she is sleeping. We waited in the lobby of the funeral home while my mom and her siblings got to see my grandmom first. She came back for us, and I saw grandmom lying in the casket, grandpop just staring at her. He was just an empty shell; the life had gone from his eyes. He was dealing with stage four pancreatic cancer for three years. It was because of grandmom and the love they had. My maternal grandparents met in 1942 through my great-uncle Jimmy. He and Grandpop were best friends serving in the army together. Grandmom and Grandpop married in 1945. The year grandmom died was their 50^th wedding anniversary. Now that she was gone, he had nothing left to keep him going.

          The whole funeral was something that I have a hard time remembering. I sat there, stood up, and knelt to pay my respects. It was because I knew this was the last time I would see her. Family gathered, some I met and others I hadn’t. Like my Great-Aunt Charlotte, my grandmother’s baby sister, my Great-Uncle Howard, and Great-Aunt Kay. Nothing broke grandpop’s focus on my grandmom. Then, once the service was over, we lined up to say our final goodbyes. My mom was behind grandpop, and he tripped and fell into the casket. Something told me that he wished he had gone with her. My mom told him it wasn’t his time.

His time came nine months later, on September 28, 1996. He wanted his children and grandchildren to be there. And once he knew everyone came to see him. He went in the middle of the night/ early morning hours. On his pillow was the relic I had bought him. I had asked Aunt Sandy, my mom’s eldest sister, if the relic I had given him could be buried with him. She promised me that it would be buried with him. It was, it was placed on his lapel. I placed pictures of all of us in his casket. It was difficult to be back in the same funeral home that my grandmom was in. But grandpop got his last wish to be with the love of his life. I know grandmom came back to bring grandpop home to heaven. Now they rest together.

Since then, I have lost loved ones like my Aunt Stella, Aunt B, our fur baby KC, many other family members, friends, colleagues, and students. The grief can feel like a tap, or sometimes it can feel like a boulder hit you, knocking the wind out of you. Sometimes you know someone is in the process of transitioning from this world to the next. Like Aunt Stella, she was dying of cancer. We all took turns sitting with her. We all thought she wouldn’t make it the first night. But she lasted a week. I remember that last night, I told her that it was okay for her to go, that we would be okay. She was quiet and then went into the death rattle. Which scared me, from there it was a matter of hours. We weren’t going to stay, as I was leaving the room, I couldn’t take it, and I broke down crying. My aunt, brother, and parents had to push and pull me out of the room. But we ended up staying; my mom was by Aunt Stella’s bedside as she passed away. Mom came out of the room and told us she was gone. She couldn’t speak, so I told everyone else in the house. We were waiting as Aunt Marian and Aunt Sandy fixed her up. Aunt Lolly called the hospice to let them know my aunt had passed. Now, as a psychic medium, being in a small room with all of my loved ones in active grief was like a thousand-foot tsunami wave hitting me. I had to leave the room. I felt like I was drowning. We drove home soon after it was pass 1 am when we got home. Friday morning, when dropping my brother off at work, as we pulled out of the parking lot. This lady almost hit the front of our car, she started screaming at me and she called me a “Faggot”, thank god my mom was driving and took off, because I would have gotten out of the car and handled the mess. I was at a new level of anger. It didn’t help that I had signed up for a community event that weekend and couldn’t pull out. Then, following her funeral and family drama. I went back to reading for clients. Which I regret and wish that I could have pushed back.

Sometimes death happens when you least expect it. Like with my Aunt B, she was my dad’s eldest sister. She passed away unexpectedly. My mom got a phone call from Aunt Kathy, my dad’s sister. As everything unfolded with Aunt B, while she was on the phone, the EMS were working to relieve her; my mom heard everything. At the same time, Aunt Kathy was looking for the will. They relieved her and took her in the ambulance, where she flatlined, and the will was found. Upon Aunt Kathy's request, they brought Aunt B back into the house. She was placed on the couch. Like everyone, we were in deep shock, and we all cried. But my dad wasn’t home; he was getting his tires rotated. He saw the look on our faces, and he asked, “Who died?” My mom told him. He was shocked. But my dad is a hard person to read. He was just stone-faced. Even during her memorial service, I was doing a bible reading and read the eulogy that my dad wrote. He couldn’t bring himself to read it. My nephew helped me make photo boards for the memorial. I practiced reading to keep my tears at bay.

Now, as you can see, I have had my fair share of grief and deaths of loved ones. Some deaths, I cried; others, I didn’t. Again, this doesn’t mean that I didn’t care when some died. The emotional connection I had with others, like my aunts and grandparents, was different from that of others. This is something that happened to everyone. If you had a difficult relationship with a parent or sibling, and they pass away, you may not shed a tear. You may say, “I’m sorry they passed, and I wish them well on their journey.” And call it a day. People cope with grief in their own unique way. Some may cause family drama at a time when it’s not needed. Some rather fade to the background and cry when alone. Or they focus on something else to keep their emotions at bay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We are all just trying to make it to the next day, and for some, the next moment. It’s called survival.

I will share more information, tips, and much more in later blog posts. 

Enjoy this Playlist of songs that express Grief, loss, and pain. May it help you release the grief you have been holding in. 

1.     It's So Hard to Say Goodbye- Boyz II Men

2.     End of The Road- Boyz II Men

3.     One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

4.     I'm Your Angel- Celine Dion and R-Kelly

5.     Bye Bye- Mariah Carey

6.     How Do I Help You Say Goodbye- Patty Loveless

7.     What Hurts the Most- Rascal Flatts

8.     Missing You- Brandy, Tamia, Gladys Knight, Chaka Khan

9.     In The Arms of an Angel- Sarah McLachlan

10.  Tears in Heaven- Eric Clapton

11.  One More Day- Diamond Rio

12.  Holes in the Floor of Heaven- Steve Wariner 

13.  Heaven Was Needing a Hero- Jo Dee Messina

14.  Wind Beneath My Wings- Bette Midler

15.  My Immortal- Evanescence

16.  Who Knew- Pink

17.  There You'll Be- Faith Hill

18.  Fly- Celine Dion

19.  Probably Wouldn't Be This Way- LeAnn Rimes

20.  I Pray- Amanda Perez

21.  Angel- Amanda Perez

22. It Was Our Day- B*Witched

23.  Angel- Sarah McLachlan

24.  Dance With My Father- Luther Vandross

25.  Ashes- Celine Dion

26.  Stay With Me- Danity Kane

27.  Heaven- Beyonce

28.  My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

29.  Hurt- Johnny Cash

30.  Wake Me up When September Ends