Survivor's Guilt: The Pain of Losing Someone

 by: Brian Warriner

            Have you ever been through a situation and survived? Like a car accident where you were driving and your loved one who was in the passenger seat died. Alternatively, you are in a plane crash and your spouse dies, but you survive. You are left with questions about why you survived the accident or situation. Especially if in a disaster, at first you go into denial and blame everyone for the reason why your loved one died. Survivor’s guilt is a process, but it is not linear. I remember a television show where a man protected his children in a fire and lost his life. His wife blamed the firefighters who responded to the call for her husband’s death. She sued them when it came out that they were not at fault. I also remember how people can get angry and upset that they survived, and their loved one(s) did not.

            Granted that kind of pain is a given, I do not think I could comprehend that kind of pain. Where, every day after that, you are consumed by the events that led to the death of your loved one(s). It can replay in your mind, and you have persistent depression and anxiety. It would cause a person to question why or how you can go on without your loved one. Moreover, it is this constant thinking process that might drive a person to suicide, addiction, or dangerous behavior. I am aware that many cultures have their own perspectives on therapy, counseling, psychology, and psychiatry as a whole. However, seeking help allows you to adjust more effectively and lead a more fulfilling life.

            Survivor’s guilt can cause one to question their relationship with their higher power. Moreover, will ask questions, like “Why me?” “Why did I survive, and so in so did not?” “Why did you forsake me?”

            The truth is, it is not what you think. Moreover, to hear someone say, “Things happen for a reason,” or “It was just their time,” or “It was not your time either.” Hearing these statements makes you want to punch someone in the face because they are something you do not want to hear, even if they are true. It can be triggering for someone in the midst of the aftermath of a death. It is a situation where a person can become stuck in their head and thoughts. This can make things worse for you.

            A person suffering from survivor’s guilt may feel numbness and disconnected from reality, shame, and sadness, and regret over perceived inaction or inability, anxiety, and depression. They may also experience social withdrawal, deal with insomnia, and have low self-esteem. This does make their world feel like a never-ending hell, especially if the person is a veteran who has been in the combat zone and saw their friends die right in front of them—or seeing them in an explosion. Veterans can experience PTSD and survivor’s guilt.

            While I was reading on a website, verywellmind.com, where survivors’ guilt could be a symptom of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), it is also possible that survivor’s guilt can be presented as a mood and stress disorder (Cherry, 2021).

            According to choosingtherapy.com, there are many scenarios where a person may also encounter episodes or bouts of survivor’s guilt, such as through natural disasters, genocides, such as what is happening in Gaza, and school shootings. Mass shootings. Wars can cause people to suffer from survivor’s guilt (Waichler, 2023). Every one of these situations has played out before our eyes. Furthermore, it can lead those involved, more importantly, those who survived these acts, to develop any more of the mental disorders or a combination of them.

            I will always recommend that if you have feelings of survivor’s guilt, grief/ bereavement, and suicidal thoughts, I recommend that you reach out to a mental health facility or the local emergency room. You need to seek help if you are having a mental health medical emergency.

 

Resources

Cherry, K (2021, February 20). Tips for Managing Survivor’s Guilt. Very Well Mind

            Https://www.verywelmind.com/survivors-guilt-4688743

Waichler, I. (2023, November 7). Survivor’s Guilt: Why It Happens and 7 Ways to Cope.

Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/survivors-guilt/

 

The Mental Health Umbrella: What does it consist of?

 by Brian Warriner

            An umbrella term is used to encompass the various parts of an industry. The mental health umbrella covers both psychological and psychiatric disorders. This also includes care, wellness, treatment, and research of the disorders. These disorders include emotional, mental, behavioral, educational, Sexual dysfunction, Stress, Eating disorder, Neurodivergent, Personality, Gender Dysphoria, Somatic, Dissociative, Depression, Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive, Bipolar.

            These disorders significantly impact the daily lives of individuals, causing them to struggle with their identity, and can lead to difficulties in navigating life. For example, when I was in the third grade, I was diagnosed with specific learning disability in reading and math. I struggled with math and reading, and as a result, my reading comprehension was challenging, and math was also difficult for me. To this day, it's more than just simple addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Later in life, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. In between, I was showing signs of grief-induced depression.

            The care of mental health disorders includes medication, therapies, and research into how we can improve these disorders. But new theories and many other ways of treatment are all under the mental health umbrella, which is under the medical/ healthcare umbrella. Some medical doctors are psychiatrists who operate and treat people in hospital settings. According to NAMI, the National Alliance of Mental Illness, they break down the careers within the mental healthcare umbrella.

            It’s the reason why I followed my path, and it led me to mental health, besides my journey with mental illness. With my family’s history with addiction, trauma, and my issues with grief. Everything conspired in my life to lead me to pursue a master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. With a specialty in grief, addiction, and trauma. When I am done with my education and I am licensed, I will be titled Brian Warriner, LCMHC. Which stands for Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor. There will be other titles that will be added in time. 

Grief: What is it and How do We Cope?

 by Brian Warriner

 

            Grief is a loaded word because it evokes a lot of emotion. Because we understand it’s a word that evokes a lot of emotion and action. It manifests itself in various ways, depending on the emotional connection associated with the situation. Grief affects individuals differently, depending on the nature of their relationship with the deceased. Let’s say you had a family member who abused you. When they die, you won’t cry. You would be happy that they are dead. Now, let’s say you are a parent whose child passes away, and it would break you. And the sadness and depression stick with you. Many emotions come through in these situations. Grief is a universal experience that everyone encounters.

We all experience this universal expression in many ways. When my grandmom passed away, it was unexpected; my grandpop, we knew he would pass away. Same with my Aunt Stella, we had gathered around the week she was dying. My Aunt B passed away unexpectedly. When my mom told me that the paramedics took her out. I knew something had happened. Then, being a psychic medium, I saw my paternal grandparents grabbing Aunt B’s hand and bringing her home. That’s been something that has happened recently. I got to see both my aunts’ transitions, which helped me accept that they had made it to the other side. But I am human and still have to go through the emotions of mourning a loved one. It wasn't easy to go through because things wouldn’t be the same. With Aunt B, we would go on vacation to Myrtle Beach. My Aunt Stella would call during the week of a holiday and ask when dinner would be, or she would go grocery shopping in our freezer. At the beginning of the summer, she called and asked if we had the pool open. She and my mom would go in the pool.  It’s memories like this that make certain times of the year difficult.

            Although the grieving process is broken into steps, the grieving process itself isn’t linear. We can experience the stages of grief in many forms and stages. The manifestation of the stage depends on the person experiencing grief. You bounce from stage to stage. One minute you might be in denial and shock, next you are depressed. Then one day, you might experience anger, followed by bargaining with God. Some may experience grief when they are caring for a sick parent or loved one. They had come so close to dying and had been by the deathbed to say their goodbyes. The loved ones recover. At which you have said everything you needed to, you’ve cried every tear, and you are at the point where it’s like, stop holding on, go. Or you have a loved one completed suicide, I want to point out the change in terminology from committed to completed. When you use the term 'committed,' it sounds like they committed a crime, when in fact they didn’t. But they completed the act of suicide. I will, from now on, use the term 'completed'. I plan on going in-depth in future blog posts. In this case, you may be in denial that your loved one performed this act, then you go into anger, and back to denial about their mental health status. However, you might accept it and then revert to anger. Everyone approaches the process differently. Everyone mourns differently. For example, on the television show MOM, season 6 episode 115 (Widdoes, 2018). When Marjorie’s husband dies, she is relieved that he has passed away. But Christy kept pushing her to show emotion and cry. But Christy didn’t understand that grief doesn’t happen when you say it should. Wendy explains that when a loved one is sick for a long time, the survivor has already mourned them. When they do pass away, they are more relieved than sad. One of the models used in grief counseling is the Kübler-Ross Model. Created by Swiss Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926-2004) (biography.com editor,2018). She created the five stages of grief (see picture below)

     There are other models of the grieving process that have more than five steps. When researching the grief process, you may encounter the five stages of grief. (see picture below). It doesn’t matter which model you use; it is possible to feel multiple steps of the process simultaneously, which can make the journey much more intense. This can make it difficult to determine your current stage in the process. They say time heals all wounds. I don’t believe this. In my work as a psychic medium, I have had clients who said it feels like yesterday their loved one left. And it’s been decades. The only thing with grief is that it can be coped with and dealt with. But what we go through is an adjustment to not having that loved one in our everyday lives. We can’t call them up, go to lunch, and hang out with them. That’s the only thing we have that physically looks like healing. I do recommend that if you are dealing with grief and grieving a loved one, then seek help from a grief counselor.

            It’s this very topic and my experience that have encouraged me to study and become a clinical mental health counselor with a specialty in grief counseling. That's why you'll find more information about grief on my blog.

Resources

Widdoes, J (2018, Oct 25). Mom, Season 6, Episode 115, CBS

 

Biography.com Editors, (2021, April 7), Elisabeth Kubler-Ross-Quotes, 5 Steps of Grief and Facts, https://www.biography.com/scientists/elisabeth-kubler-ross