by Brian Warriner
During my middle school years, even though I was out to myself and my friend. Beyond that core group, no one was certain. But the hell for a closeted gay boy is the locker room. It's where you see other guys change for gym class. It’s like I don’t want to see that. I was a chunky teenager and didn’t like changing in front of others. There was no other place for me to change. I didn’t have the courage to ask for an accommodation to change. But I never did.
From 7th grade to 12th grade, I hated gym class except for the marking periods when I had health class. I failed gym class because I hated getting changed for the class. The competitiveness in gym class continued. When I participated in gym class, my old skills would come back. They were rusty, but they managed to come through, which would shock people who didn’t see that side of me. Meanwhile, the bullying continued, and the depression and anxiety grew. I grew quiet in my suffering because I felt like no one could stop it. I kept going forward.
In seventh grade, my friends and I attempted to form a music group, but we failed. But nothing ever came from it. I wrote the songs, which sparked my passion and love for writing and poetry. I was dealing with my first crushes on straight boys. I’m sure many young gay boys had crushes on the straight boys they wished they could be their first. It’s these first loves that stick with them for the rest of their lives. I know I have. I heard that my crush found out about my feelings but never said anything to me. He would smirk at me with a half-smile. I would melt right where I stood. He eventually graduated from high school, and things seemed bleak. But as I moved into high school. I kept writing and was quiet about my mental health. The bullying eased up a bit, but I was just tired of hearing “Faggot”, “Homo”. “Fag”, “Cock sucker”, and many more names. This was the lower-classmen who just saw me as a nasty gay person.
Around Sophomore or Junior year, I had a crush on a guy who was a straight and toxic man. I overlooked that, but he was never rude or ignorant to me. The girl who was his sister’s best friend was a total bitch to me. Because she found out I had a crush on the guy she was screwing. One day in the hall, she walked past me and said, “He’s my man.” I just rolled my eyes at her. I kept walking because it wasn’t worth my time to respond. He was a year ahead of me. I sent him a candygram and a flower. I was excited when I saw he got it, but I didn’t get a Thank you or anything. The cruel thing was that my friends did the same to me and said it was from him. They did it as a way of getting back at me for my role in getting the cafeteria to sing 'Happy Birthday' to her. But that was difficult and disgusting because I thought secretly he was telling me he had feelings for me. That wasn’t the truth. That hurt me.
He graduated, and before he did, he signed my yearbook, and I wrote an article about him and had to interview him for the paper. Needless to say, I was over the moon, and I was like a private school boy. He thanked me for the article, and that made my day. My senior year was okay; I was beaten down more by my family than by anything else. I was told I had to figure out my whole life going forward. I had to go to school, get a job, and I found my mental health hit rock bottom. I would take the college catalogs from the guidance department and read them. I think maybe it will spark something in me about what I want to do. I loved writing, English, and foreign languages. However, the issue was that my dad earned too much money for me to qualify for financial aid, despite being awarded $1100 in scholarships. When my family fell on hard times, I gave them the money to help get us through. When I graduated from high school, I had no idea what I wanted to study in college, and I was uncertain about my future. I struggled to find a job, and it wasn’t until over a year later that I secured a position working three hours a week in an after-school program. Then went on to become the assistant director of the program. This is where something I never considered found me.
What did we learn from this Story?
1. Mental health hits you at any age; for adolescents, it's even more difficult with the hormonal changes that happen. Which is why they seemed troubled, distant, and are called “weird”.
2. Being a young gay boy, you overlook the fact that your crush is straight, and you fall in love with them. But you can’t just walk up to them and say I like you, do you want to go out? Then you open yourself up to rejection, homophobia, and much more hell.
3. You don’t have to figure out the rest of your life the second you graduate from high school. All you have to figure out is your next step. Then go from there. I’m 40 years old, and I had to journey through various stages to understand my life purpose. I created something that suits me.
4. We all find our way and paths in life. Give yourself a break, you will find your path.
