My Mental Health Journey as an Adult

by Brian Warriner

            In previous posts, I talked about my mental health journey in my childhood and adolescent years. Now I am going to discuss my adult years. Once I had a job, granted, the job I had was only 3 hours a day, Monday to Friday, until I became the assistant director of an after-school program. Then the hours were six hours a day. I made a little more money. But it didn’t stop the depression and anxiety. I found ways to hide it better. Now, at the end of that school year, I wasn’t rehired for the next year. But I ended up getting hired for a one-on-one position with the district. I was going back to the school where I had graduated a couple of years before. My charge at the time was a kid who had Cerebral Palsy, and everyone told me about his tricks. He would cry to get out of doing assignments, or wanted to sit in the nurse's office, thinking he wouldn’t have to be responsible for his work. But I was too much of a hard ass to let him get one over on me. When he pulled these tricks, I said, “Sit there and let me know when you are ready, but we aren’t going anywhere.” He stopped. I was one who committed myself to my work. The students in the class were also my responsibility. When my charge was absent because of being in the hospital. I was torn about whether I would be crossing a professional boundary. I didn’t visit him or send him a card. I’d ask his siblings to check on him when his mom picked up his work, and I'd talk to her. But when he came back, I was waiting for him. I said to him, “Don’t you ever leave me.” he just rolled his eyes like a teenager would. The following year, he went to a different school for high school. But I saw him the following year when my brother was graduating from the eighth grade. He recognized me, and it was great to see him.

            Now, most of you are probably wondering why I am talking about this. It’s because work became my escape from my mental health. It was something I pushed to the back of my head. I was in a long-distance relationship with someone I met on the Yahoo chat rooms. Yes, I am old enough to remember the chat rooms. We would talk on the phone, and we sent letters with our photos. I thought, how awesome is this? My first boyfriend and I were making plans to meet up for the first time. But nothing manifested, because he told me if I wanted to continue our relationship, I had to send him money every month. I ended it right there. I blocked him and got off the chat room. This hurt me a lot, and I was upset by this. I cried and cried thinking about the pain.

            Then, while in the chat rooms, I found someone else, and we talked and got to know each other. Exchanged numbers and would text each other. He was eighteen, and I had turned twenty-one. I found myself falling for him. But he lived in Dallas, Texas, and I was in New Jersey. He was emotionally distant, but then one night I called him. His best friend answered and told me that he was “busy taking it up the ass from a black guy.” I was shocked, and she hung up. When I called a couple of hours later, he answered when I asked, his response was, “Why are you asking me?” “It is what it is.” He ended things that upset me. What I didn’t know at the time was that for the next 18 years, we would be in and out of each other's lives. Now I am only telling things from my perspective. After all our interactions, I was hurt by him, and I may have hurt him. But the issue was that we could have been something great if we were in different places in our lives. There are things I found out, and yet I was crazy for him. The final interaction was a couple of years ago, when I told him that I couldn’t love him the way he needed, and I couldn’t be the supportive person he needed. I had to move on without him. Because I recognized this relationship was a toxic codependent relationship. Neither of us deserves that.

            In between that relationship, I fell for other guys, one of whom only wanted me when he was single. It was during his first relationship that he ignored my calls and disappeared. When they broke up, I was to blame, and that continued, and eventually, I ended things. Another guy I met on Facebook in 2009 caught my attention. We chatted and exchanged numbers, and I thought to myself, "He was the one." But our relationship ended when he started seeing someone else and ignored me. I have been someone who, if you don’t want me to be a part of your life, then fucking tell me. I kept asking him to talk to me so we could resolve our issues. I did some things that were also questionable. But that was what ended our relationship. Because I was scared of losing him, I got jealous, and it was a dark time. Then we cut communications. I saw he was in a relationship, it hurt me, from him it was like being stabbed, shot, and cut all in one. I was so depressed that I walked around even at work, and everyone saw it on my face. They would ask me, “Are you okay?” I would say, "Yeah, I'm okay," or something like that. I had to get over it. When he was single, I thought he might be interested in me, but then he was with someone else. I became a jealous and spiteful person. It was after he moved to Colorado that he emailed me, and things looked like we could be something. But things went south, and he blocked me. I know he got married to a guy, dealt with health issues, and he passed away in November of 2020. It was so hard to deal with his passing. I cried, and he appeared in my dreams.

            Throughout my adult life, I dealt with relationships ending, friendships ending, and death, and I achieved many things. There were a lot of endings and beginnings that happened in my twenties and into my thirties. I started a career in public education, which ultimately came to an end. Entered school for massage therapy, published my first book, and I eventually published 11 more, with more coming out. I tried and failed many times to start a business and developed my career as a professional psychic medium. Eventually, I walked away from my career because it wasn’t fulfilling, and life happened. My health, on top of everything, was declining. Which eventually led me to multiple hospital stays, four surgeries, three of which were toe amputations. To this day, my health is declining, and it's just going down.

            My mental health has been taking me through the ringer. My mom had two cancer diagnoses, both times I was her caregiver, which led me to get some help. I thought I was bipolar because of how my mood was. My first therapist sat down and explained to me that I wasn’t bipolar. But my diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. Hearing those words was something that set my nerves at ease. I cried, and I felt like breathing for the first time.  In 2023, my dad almost died, and the family prepared for his death. I started school for my associate's degree in psychology. My family told me to focus on school and not to drop out like I was planning on doing. This changed everything, thank God he recovered from his medical issues.

            Now I know what you might be thinking, none of which I have been through, constitutes me having mental health. But it does. From the grief I experienced in my youth with my grandparents, to being bullied, and having my heart broken, my mind fucked with, and dealing with health issues, and dealing with family drama. All of this, along with the genetics for mental health issues. It’s no surprise that I have depression and anxiety. I am on medication for other health issues that also treat depression and anxiety. It has eased the disorders but does not cure or fix them. It makes me stable to be able to deal with my mental health. I am also in therapy, and I have access to my therapist when needed. The best decision I made was to go into therapy and seek help. Plus, I have journaled through my life, from when I started my spiritual journey. It has been my saving grace. It’s where I can speak frankly and use whatever language and express whatever I want. No one can tell me, “You aren’t allowed to feel that way.” “It’s not a situation that has affected you directly.” “You need to mind your business.” The old me would have thrown hands at these words. Now I journal about it and leave it all on the page. I have a hope chest filled with my journals. As well as my poetry journals. For almost three decades, I have taken to my pen to write and express. When I pass away, I ask that my journals be donated to the John A. Wilcox Jr Archive at the William Way Center.

            Reading about my life, one may say I wasn’t strong enough to handle the events of the past. But I say it’s one thing to read them, but to live them made me a stronger person, for whom the terms “No Fucks Given” and “Resting Bitch Face” have been coined. This is my story. 

Mental Health Journaling Prompts

       by Brian Warriner

    Journal Therapy is a form of therapy in which you journal. In your journal, you write thoughts and feelings about whatever you wish. I tend to vent about situations and discuss historical events. I also discuss things that no one allows me to talk about because they don’t have a direct impact on me. However, they do affect me; my journal is the one place where nothing is off-limits. I will vent my anxieties about my health, family members' health, and if I have had a fight or disagreement with family members. I journal about it. Because if not, it stays on my mind. From there, it will make my anxiety level go up.

    The moments that I have had depressive episodes, I would journal. This helps me vent my feelings, and I find a way to get to the root of my episode. Although it doesn't completely relieve the stress, I can relax and breathe more easily. From there, I leave everything on the page. That’s my motto when it comes to journaling. “Leave everything on the page.”

     When I struggle with journaling, I sometimes pull out a prompt. A prompt is a tool that helps you dive into your thoughts and journal. It’s something that I was introduced to in high school English class. I have adopted this idea and used it many times. And developed the use of prompts for journaling and various purposes. For the past several years, I have been developing a series of books that feature prompts. With purposes such as gender and sexuality, addictions, and mental health. And a specialized volume of art prompts, as well as one for poetry. You can use these prompts for your journaling practice.

Happy Journaling!

      1. Has anything been bothering you? If so, why?
      2. What is currently my biggest priority?
      3. What am I currently proud of myself for?
      4. Are there any decisions I could currently make that would improve my health?
      5. The best advice I could give someone at the moment is.
      6. What my perfect day looks like.
      7. What am I most grateful for this year is.
        8. Did I overreact to something this week?
       9. How do I think my loved ones feel about me?
       10. Do I have a current habit that I want to correct?
      11. Have I been ashamed or disappointed in myself recently?
      12. Currently, my sleeping patterns are.
      13. What is my biggest inspiration at the moment?
      14. Right now, I could not live without.
      15. The best thing I have going on right now is.
      16. The best thing that happened to me today.
           17. How have I been feeling lately?
      18. Where would I like to go on my next holiday?
      19. I really value my relationship with....
      20. What aspects of my personality have been dominated lately?
      21. I am thankful for….
      22. What am I most grateful for today
      23. I’d say my biggest strength at the moment is..
      24. What would I like to learn?
          25. Right now, I feel…..

My Grief Journey: Experiencing the Pain of Loss

by Brian Warriner

Grief is something that we all have felt and dealt with. But it doesn't come when a loved one dies. It does happen when a relationship ends, or you lose your house and property. For me, I lost my maternal grandmother, who passed away two days before my 11th birthday. It was unexpected. When we got the call early in the morning, it was the day after Thanksgiving, and my grandmom was in the hospital. I was emerging from a deep sleep. I heard someone crying, and I stood up. I saw my mom crying and my Aunt B comforting her. She said, "Grandmom passed away." I didn't understand those words and how they changed our world. With my dad and my aunts, my mom told us what happened and that grandmom went to heaven. I remember that day, just crying my eyes out. 

The following Sunday, we went to church. The church we went to was the National Shrine of St. John Neumann in Philadelphia, PA. This is where the tomb of St. John Neumann is located, at the altar. After mass, we went to the museum, and there I bought a relic of St. John Neumann, which was a gift for my grandpop. Then we stopped and lit a candle for my grandmom, and the tears started again. On November 29, 1995, my grandmom's funeral. We awoke to a snowy day. My mom told us that when we see my grandmom, it would be like she is sleeping. We waited in the lobby of the funeral home while my mom and her siblings got to see my grandmom first. She came back for us, and I saw grandmom lying in the casket, grandpop just staring at her. He was just an empty shell; the life had gone from his eyes. He was dealing with stage four pancreatic cancer for three years. It was because of grandmom and the love they had. My maternal grandparents met in 1942 through my great-uncle Jimmy. He and Grandpop were best friends serving in the army together. Grandmom and Grandpop married in 1945. The year grandmom died was their 50^th wedding anniversary. Now that she was gone, he had nothing left to keep him going.

          The whole funeral was something that I have a hard time remembering. I sat there, stood up, and knelt to pay my respects. It was because I knew this was the last time I would see her. Family gathered, some I met and others I hadn’t. Like my Great-Aunt Charlotte, my grandmother’s baby sister, my Great-Uncle Howard, and Great-Aunt Kay. Nothing broke grandpop’s focus on my grandmom. Then, once the service was over, we lined up to say our final goodbyes. My mom was behind grandpop, and he tripped and fell into the casket. Something told me that he wished he had gone with her. My mom told him it wasn’t his time.

His time came nine months later, on September 28, 1996. He wanted his children and grandchildren to be there. And once he knew everyone came to see him. He went in the middle of the night/ early morning hours. On his pillow was the relic I had bought him. I had asked Aunt Sandy, my mom’s eldest sister, if the relic I had given him could be buried with him. She promised me that it would be buried with him. It was, it was placed on his lapel. I placed pictures of all of us in his casket. It was difficult to be back in the same funeral home that my grandmom was in. But grandpop got his last wish to be with the love of his life. I know grandmom came back to bring grandpop home to heaven. Now they rest together.

Since then, I have lost loved ones like my Aunt Stella, Aunt B, our fur baby KC, many other family members, friends, colleagues, and students. The grief can feel like a tap, or sometimes it can feel like a boulder hit you, knocking the wind out of you. Sometimes you know someone is in the process of transitioning from this world to the next. Like Aunt Stella, she was dying of cancer. We all took turns sitting with her. We all thought she wouldn’t make it the first night. But she lasted a week. I remember that last night, I told her that it was okay for her to go, that we would be okay. She was quiet and then went into the death rattle. Which scared me, from there it was a matter of hours. We weren’t going to stay, as I was leaving the room, I couldn’t take it, and I broke down crying. My aunt, brother, and parents had to push and pull me out of the room. But we ended up staying; my mom was by Aunt Stella’s bedside as she passed away. Mom came out of the room and told us she was gone. She couldn’t speak, so I told everyone else in the house. We were waiting as Aunt Marian and Aunt Sandy fixed her up. Aunt Lolly called the hospice to let them know my aunt had passed. Now, as a psychic medium, being in a small room with all of my loved ones in active grief was like a thousand-foot tsunami wave hitting me. I had to leave the room. I felt like I was drowning. We drove home soon after it was pass 1 am when we got home. Friday morning, when dropping my brother off at work, as we pulled out of the parking lot. This lady almost hit the front of our car, she started screaming at me and she called me a “Faggot”, thank god my mom was driving and took off, because I would have gotten out of the car and handled the mess. I was at a new level of anger. It didn’t help that I had signed up for a community event that weekend and couldn’t pull out. Then, following her funeral and family drama. I went back to reading for clients. Which I regret and wish that I could have pushed back.

Sometimes death happens when you least expect it. Like with my Aunt B, she was my dad’s eldest sister. She passed away unexpectedly. My mom got a phone call from Aunt Kathy, my dad’s sister. As everything unfolded with Aunt B, while she was on the phone, the EMS were working to relieve her; my mom heard everything. At the same time, Aunt Kathy was looking for the will. They relieved her and took her in the ambulance, where she flatlined, and the will was found. Upon Aunt Kathy's request, they brought Aunt B back into the house. She was placed on the couch. Like everyone, we were in deep shock, and we all cried. But my dad wasn’t home; he was getting his tires rotated. He saw the look on our faces, and he asked, “Who died?” My mom told him. He was shocked. But my dad is a hard person to read. He was just stone-faced. Even during her memorial service, I was doing a bible reading and read the eulogy that my dad wrote. He couldn’t bring himself to read it. My nephew helped me make photo boards for the memorial. I practiced reading to keep my tears at bay.

Now, as you can see, I have had my fair share of grief and deaths of loved ones. Some deaths, I cried; others, I didn’t. Again, this doesn’t mean that I didn’t care when some died. The emotional connection I had with others, like my aunts and grandparents, was different from that of others. This is something that happened to everyone. If you had a difficult relationship with a parent or sibling, and they pass away, you may not shed a tear. You may say, “I’m sorry they passed, and I wish them well on their journey.” And call it a day. People cope with grief in their own unique way. Some may cause family drama at a time when it’s not needed. Some rather fade to the background and cry when alone. Or they focus on something else to keep their emotions at bay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We are all just trying to make it to the next day, and for some, the next moment. It’s called survival.

I will share more information, tips, and much more in later blog posts. 

Enjoy this Playlist of songs that express Grief, loss, and pain. May it help you release the grief you have been holding in. 

1.     It's So Hard to Say Goodbye- Boyz II Men

2.     End of The Road- Boyz II Men

3.     One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

4.     I'm Your Angel- Celine Dion and R-Kelly

5.     Bye Bye- Mariah Carey

6.     How Do I Help You Say Goodbye- Patty Loveless

7.     What Hurts the Most- Rascal Flatts

8.     Missing You- Brandy, Tamia, Gladys Knight, Chaka Khan

9.     In The Arms of an Angel- Sarah McLachlan

10.  Tears in Heaven- Eric Clapton

11.  One More Day- Diamond Rio

12.  Holes in the Floor of Heaven- Steve Wariner 

13.  Heaven Was Needing a Hero- Jo Dee Messina

14.  Wind Beneath My Wings- Bette Midler

15.  My Immortal- Evanescence

16.  Who Knew- Pink

17.  There You'll Be- Faith Hill

18.  Fly- Celine Dion

19.  Probably Wouldn't Be This Way- LeAnn Rimes

20.  I Pray- Amanda Perez

21.  Angel- Amanda Perez

22. It Was Our Day- B*Witched

23.  Angel- Sarah McLachlan

24.  Dance With My Father- Luther Vandross

25.  Ashes- Celine Dion

26.  Stay With Me- Danity Kane

27.  Heaven- Beyonce

28.  My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

29.  Hurt- Johnny Cash

30.  Wake Me up When September Ends

 

How to Create Easy Make-shift Journal Pages For On The Go

by Brian Warriner

This is so easy to do that I overlooked it. Now, if you are an avid journaler like me. I don’t carry my journal with me everywhere I go, so when my anxiety starts to kick in. I do this to create journal pages for myself. If you are in the hospital, emergency room, at school, at work, or anywhere else, you may be. You don’t have your journal on you. I find this to be an easily accessible alternative. Then you slide it into the pages of your journal. Or tape a pocket for it on the inner cover.

The Steps

1.      Grab some computer paper, the white 8.5 in x 11 in. Turn it sideways so the long side is horizontal.

 

2.      Then fold it in half. Flatten the crease on the paper. It helps the other pages to fit together when you put them together.  

     

 

 

 

 

3.      Do this with a few pieces of paper. If you write on them front and back, with four pages, it gives you 16 pages to use for journaling.  

 

   

4.      Once you have your pages folded, insert them into each other. This helps to keep the pages together. This way, you don’t lose them.

5.      You have a little booklet. Make sure you number them as you write on the pages. And put your name on the pages and keep them safe until you put them into your journal.